


even if i could fly towards you

by Elvent



Category: Shiki (Anime & Manga), Shiki - Ono Fuyumi
Genre: Angst, Gen, Introspection, Seishin thinks everything is awful, Spoilers for the novels, Toshio tells bad jokes, or Seishin's style of introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 04:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12182829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elvent/pseuds/Elvent
Summary: Toshio is getting married. Seishin has an introspection.





	even if i could fly towards you

Since Seishin had been surprisingly busy that day outside Sotoba, it was only at night that he could finally see his parents again. Considering that he'd arrived home one hour behind their usual dinnertime, he had initially thought that his parents had already eaten before him so he was surprised to see Miwako greeting him and telling him to come eat dinner together. Had they been waiting for him, Seishin had wondered.

After the table was finally set and he settled at his usual spot, they began to eat. The conversation had started out light, with Shinmei asking him how he'd completed his tasks in preparation of taking a new spot as a monk at their temple. It was a bit late considering that Seishin was already 27, but it partly had to do with the fact that he went to a regular university and took a major that had nothing to do with Buddhism. As a result, his training as a monk was postponed. His mother also quipped here and there about the day, which sounded nothing unusual of their temple.

"Toshio-kun came around 3 p.m," She added, "He apparently returned to the village at 10 or so this morning. He was looking for you."

That surprised Seishin; Toshio worked at a university hospital in a city quite far from home and it was rather unusual for him to return this time of the year. The last time he visited was only a few months ago, and he could go nearly a year without returning home at all. "Toshio did?"

"I told him you weren't in the village and likely wouldn't return until dinnertime, so he just said 'tomorrow then'," Miwako laughed, her voice light and pleasant. "He stayed for some tea and snack though. Apparently he's getting married."

Seishin was stunned into silence.

Miwako continued, "His fiancée is called Kyouko, and they met not too long ago. He didn't tell me much about her however, he still seemed tired didn't he. He said the wedding will take place in March next year so there must be a lot to do."

"...Is that so," Seishin finally responded. It was-- surprising? Shocking? The news of Toshio's upcoming marriage felt shocking to him, though considering Toshio's age it was nothing weird. In fact, that was what expected of him. As the only son of the Ozaki it was only sensible that he get married soon so he could immediately produce an heir. Such was everyone's wish for the village's pillar families so the village could go on. Seishin understood that all too well, and yet he couldn't shake off the feeling of being constricted from inside.

Seishin muttered a congratulation, and then went back to slowly chew on his food. He didn't understand his own feelings, but dinnertime was hardly a time to ponder on such things. He found himself not really in the mood to chat with his parents, which he attributed to being in a nervous state himself that he felt he couldn't properly deal with the external without dealing with the internal first. 

His mother asked him if he wanted second serving, which he declined.

The rest of the dinner was quiet. Afterward Seishin quickly helped his mother with the dishes and excused himself to his room. He hadn't given much thought to the meaning behind his parents' gazes the whole time, although he had a nagging feeling that he actually knew what it was.

 

One step, and the future that awaited was a trapped, closed out feeling.

Just like the ticking of the clock, matters such as inheriting the temple or the hospital and marriage were already set on the stone even before they were born. No matter how many times one might wish to delay it, it would simply come. It was silent, it didn't have to do anything-- but just as the surety of time you were apparently the who journeyed into its embrace. There was nothing one could do about it, and yet he'd thought that maybe, maybe Toshio could be exempted from it. Maybe Toshio who fought and wished against it could be separated from the circle of fate just by sheer will.

And yet wasn't it just a wistful thinking of the youth? Even Toshio, at that age, had to have known deep inside that it was impossible. Maybe exactly because of that he fought even harder, even angrier. Even with all that he'd eventually mellowed down somewhere in high school before finally deciding to study medicine.

Seishin by contrast used to be more idealistic at that age. He'd once said that one had to decide on his own fate, which partly influenced his desire to take a major that aligned more with his own interest at college. But unlike being a doctor one didn't need a certain degree to be a monk, which was part of the reason his parents had hardly objected to his decision that time. And yet here he was; training to be a monk. The truth was he also went to college without having some kind of a career in mind and his side job as an author was something he didn't actually pursue in the first place. He too was closed off to choices that didn't include being a monk and inheriting the temple-- meaning that there was actually no choice at all but what he had.

It wasn't that he despised being a monk. While it began as a burden he'd come to understand and embrace it. He understood that just as the village needed a doctor, the village also needed a monk. He didn't mind to fill that role for the villagers' sake; in a way, he was glad to do it. But he also felt a certain sadness and loneliness from realizing how closed off he and Toshio actually were. Their lives were everything they had known, what made them them. They had no idea what was beyond it and if such thing was even possible. Not only that the ability to live honestly and truly was taken away from them, even their ability to wonder and explore was nonexistent. 

It had been the way things were since long ago, so it would stay the same into the future. After death there would come birth-- newer generations replacing the older ones. Their future children and grandchildren.

But that was--

The tip of his pencil broke, and when he looked into it he realized he'd very nearly pierced the paper with how forcefully he wrote. He put the pencil aside to be shaved later and lifted the paper, reading what he'd just wrote. He put it down again and let out a small sigh.

He realized that deep inside he'd hoped Toshio could be exempted because he felt that, if Toshio could, then there was a chance that he could too. That there was also a chance it could be okay for him. Being heirs to the temple and hospital there are many similarities in their circumstances, so there was somehow a sense in being one and the same. As a Muroi and an Ozaki they were separated and isolated from the others-- but at the very least even in that lonely, lonely place they weren't alone on their own. That place wasn't all that unbearable because he wasn't alone.

But now he was, and he felt so unbearably lonely. 

Toshio hadn't only been not exempted, he was now being more deeply integrated. He was now welcomed into the circle that he'd previously refused so fiercely, and he was even able to do it on his own. Unlike Seishin he had something inside him that made the circle accept him, something Seishin had no idea what it was. He'd loved it so, so much, possibly more than anyone, possibly even more than Toshio did, but it welcomed Toshio but not him. He'd wanted Toshio to be rejected because if he was rejected then it should've had rejected Toshio too, but it didn't, and yet it embraced Toshio and rejected him. He'd loved it so dearly but it didn't want to accept him for what he was--

The sound of paper ripping broke Seishin out of his thoughts, leaving him disoriented as if waking up from a dream. Eyes wide, he inspected what he'd just done; he'd pressed the pencil into the paper so forcefully and roughly that he tore a hole into it. Not only that, he could see that the few sentences he'd written before ripping the paper were rough and botched as if he had been possessed.

Feeling chill running down his spine Seishin quickly tidied everything up, the papers placed upside down in the drawer so he didn't have to look at the ruined paper first thing in the morning. The broken pencil was hidden away. He immediately went to bed.

 

Seishin spent the next morning doing chores in a daze, disoriented and tired. Despite having gone to bed earlier than usual he'd only got little sleep. 

Everyone spoke about Toshio's impending marriage, which was not actually unexpected. Mitsuo and his mother, other temple workers and volunteers, Tsurumi; even his parents who seemed to make a point to mention it whenever Seishin approached. _That_ added to his headache, so he decided to avoid his parents for a bit. He also took chances to get some catnaps in the office after he'd completed his chores, the time of which he usually devoted to writing. 

He hadn't even looked at his manuscripts.

By afternoon the tiredness had lessened considerably so he went to Tashiro bookstore to retrieve books he'd ordered. Some of them contained materials for his current writing. He probably wasn't going to continue on his manuscripts today or until later, but he figured it was better to start reading up on it soon. 

Tashiro Masaki as always greeted Seishin with a smile. He'd been not only a childhood friend but a very valuable customer. "Getting your books?"

Seishin smiled back at him. "Yes."

"You were lucky; one of these books only came today. I was wondering if I should've contacted the agent knowing you'd have showed up soon, it being two days late and all that. But the package finally arrived four hours ago. Wait a minute," Tashiro said, immediately went to rummage around pile of books.

"Ah, that won't be necessary," Seishin interjected. There was the sound of door being opened, but being engrossed in talking to Tashiro Seishin hadn't looked.

"Well, I do worry about bothering my customers since being so far into the country agents don't always reach this place." Tashiro said, checking Seishin's orders and putting them into a bag. Just as Seishin paid for the books he noticed someone standing behind him. "Oh, it's Toshio!"

Surprised, Seishin turned his head. Toshio indeed stood there, dressed in a dull green shirt and a pair of jeans. He gave Tashiro his usual lopsided smile. "Masa-san, it's been a while."

"Heard you're getting married! Congratulations are in order." 

Toshio only laughed and followed along with Tashiro's attempt at conversation. As Seishin understood it, Toshio looked somewhat uncomfortable. The news of him getting married had to have spread like a wildfire, so wherever he stopped in the village people had to approach him with a lot of questions. Seishin understood that Toshio had to be tired with it already.

"Now are you going to look around? This doesn't even come close to the bookstores in the city, you know." Tashiro laughed.

"I'll be back later. I've come to kidnap this guy," Toshio pointed at Seishin. Hearing that, Seishin just looked back at his childhood friend.

"He's done with me so you may have him! Shoo."

Toshio laughed openly at that, waving back 'later,' at Tashiro and walked outside. Seishin followed after him.

Outside a familiar black car was parked behind Seishin's own car; Toshio had to be nearby when Seishin stopped outside the bookstore. "Let's go somewhere outside. I can't stand these people bombarding me with questions."

What Toshio had in mind was a cafe in downtown Mizobe they used to eat at sometimes. It was a bit far from Sotoba, so Seishin had immediately understood that Toshio had to feel frustrated. He didn't mind; he was free this afternoon and he'd expected Toshio to come to him around this time. He drove since, as Toshio'd said, he wasn't in the mood to drive.

The place had seen minor changes, which Toshio pointed at with a sense of nostalgia. They chose their usual table near the window, with Toshio ordering meal while Seishin only coffee since he'd had lunch at home.

Seishin looked at his childhood friend and immediately felt glad he'd taken those naps. If he dug down inside his heart he still felt somewhat unsettled, but now his mind cleared enough to better attend to Toshio. However, he felt deep guilt whenever he gazed at Toshio's eyes. What he'd felt about the man last night, he felt there was no retribution for. It was just unfair to him.

He wondered if the thoughts that formed in his mind at that time was truly what he felt, since he had been so agitated. He wondered why he'd even felt agitated in the first place. He asked himself why did it happen this time, since he hadn't even felt like that when Toshio chose to study medicine. Loneliness and isolation, desperation that transformed into anger--

"--t are you thinking?"

Startled, Seishin broke out of his reverie. Toshio just glared at him.

"I'm talking to you and you're just spacing out here,"

"Sorry..."

Toshio shrugged, picking at his food. "If you're other people I'm going to assume it's monk-training related, but it's you. Could practically be anything."

Seishin let out a smile that was half tired smile, half cringe. That was indeed the truth, but he still felt a bit uncomfortable if someone pointed it out. It was also honestly rude to be engrossed in your own self when you were with another person. As with Toshio's pattern, what he most wanted now was to pour out his heart's contents in regards to his annoyance with the villagers. Seishin felt more guilty realizing that he'd probably ruined his friend's mood.

Toshio studied Seishin for a few minutes, before starting to ramble: "Those bunch in the village can never catch a break. Wherever I go there would be hordes of people asking me every bits and pieces like starved dogs. Who is your girlfriend, when did you meet, where did she come from and the like. It's so sudden, they said, I even caught a rumor about me knocking her up or something. Well, it's so illogical I expect it to die soon because everyone knows that the wedding is still months away."

To accuse someone like that was terrible, but that was nothing short of the villagers. Seishin was amazed at how quickly Toshio learned about rumors but he himself hadn't exactly been mingling with the villagers these two days.

"My old man and mom also started ordering village elders around for some arrangements. They even have the gall to order me around without actually entrusting me with the bigger matters, and it's my own wedding!"

The word _marriage_ or _wedding_ was the highlight of the day, and thus Seishin noticed it even more. He couldn't avoid it, could he?

Toshio looked at Seishin. "Since it's you, I'll accept another round of congratulations. No charge."

Seishin let out a small smile. "Congratulations, then."

"Why thank you," Toshio said mockingly. "I'll charge you for real if you ask more things about Kyouko. I know you must've had known her name already."

"But you told my mother willingly," Seishin quipped.

"It's auntie, so she got discount."

Seishin took a sip of his hot coffee, hiding a small laugh.

"The ceremony and reception are in March, so make sure you come. Stay until the afterparty ends, I'll even have your favorite food served."

"Wedding ceremony until the afterparty?"

"Of course. By that time I'll get cranky, so you have to come save me."

"By that time you'll already have your own wife to save you, no?"

Toshio snorted. "She'll sooner ditch me for the next man, or feed me to the guard dogs. So no."

Seishin fell silent. _Guard dogs?_ "I'm sure it wouldn't get to that," 

"No, she's just horrible. You'll see it in March."

"You chose to marry her. Surely you wouldn't do that if you found her so horrible."

"Haha," Toshio finished the last mouthfuls of food and downed his entire glass of water. "I know what this is about. You think couples have to be okay-okay, lovey-dovey, perfect fits for each other and all the good stuff. Basically your idealism, hmm?"

Seishin was taken aback a bit at the hint of accusation in Toshio's voice. He was a bit confused as to how Toshio could arrive at that conclusion with only those few sentences, but it had been the truth. He had always been idealistic in a lot of aspects. "Is it wrong if I do?"

"No, But it doesn't always match reality. People marry for all kinds of reasons, often bad ones. Well, some are what you'd consider bad, but in actuality they're neither and are just facts of life. Sad to disappoint you but I didn't choose to marry her because I wanted a match or because I loved her. I simply have to, no other reason."

Seishin was stunned.

"She just seemed suitable so I chose her, that's all."

"...Is that so," Seishin murmured. That was what it meant, didn't it, that Toshio possessed something integral in order to be accepted into the circle?

Toshio was able to do what he was expected to even if it meant marrying someone he didn't apparently love. Even if it meant forsaking who he actually was, his real feelings and wishes. Even if it meant not living his life honestly and burying his real self deep under, because no one wanted it. Or perhaps it was more correct to say that Toshio had never had something to bury, because his real self had always been in line with the expectation people put on his shoulders. Toshio had never been isolated and he didn't have to isolate himself.

Indeed, Seishin had apparently always been alone. He would never be understood nor accepted.

Your coffee is getting cold, Toshio pointed out. "But that's me, I'm sure you'll do better than that. Find a good woman. At the very least auntie is a good role model, could be a place for a start."

**Author's Note:**

> The proceedings of a typical Japanese wedding can be summarized as: ceremony, reception, afterparty _(nijikai)_ and after-afterparty _(sanjikai)_. Not every wedding is going to include afterparty and/or after-afterparty since it's going to be more costly. By the time after-afterparty rolls around only the newlyweds and their close friends are present.


End file.
